Why McCain Will Win

He’s a regular John, that’s why.

Estadounidense voters like their president to have a regular all-American sounding first and last name, names which signify stability and the mainstream. Names like Ronald, John, James, matched with a surname which at least sounds all-American, not too ethnic, and easy to pronounce make a difference. Candidates with names like Ron Paul and Ralph Nader (even if his parents were Lebanese) just don’t stray from the fold.

Women’s names come under even greater scrutiny. Nothing ending in an i, ie, or y. Nothing too sexy or frivolous or cute. And nothing too exotic. Take a name like Martha or Ruth or Abigail. Those names are old-fashioned, but they signal a take-charge, dependable kind of girl, one who kept to her books and might not even have made homecoming queen.

Hillary, your mother should’ve named you Gertrude. Now, we all know how you transformed yourself from Hillary Rodham to Hillary Clinton when Bill lost that gubernatorial race on account of having a feminist wife who just appeared too big for her britches back in Arkansas. It’s too late for you to re-christen yourself now as H. Diane Clinton, which sounds more electable.

It’s not just a gender thing this time around. Barack should’ve stayed with Barry. First, middle and last names which are too ethnic just don’t cut it in the heartland. Poor Mike Huckabee’s family name just sounds too hillbilly, too Huckleberry Finn to be taken seriously.

Mexicans are just as concerned about the names of their would-be presidents. Andres just sounds too French, and we all know what those French did to our country.

Even at the state level, a bad choice of name can hurt. Plenty of Mexican mothers name their sons Jesus, but it didn’t do Jesus Reyna much good. Sure, if he’d been named Guillermo or Leonardo, he wouldn’t have had that great campaign slogan which the archbishop declared naughty — Jesus is Coming. Do you realize that there’s never been a Mexican president — or a governor of Michoacán — whose first name was Jesus? 

But then there’s never been a David at the helm of either Mexico or Los Estados Unidos.

2 comments on “Why McCain Will Win

  1. Lesley says:

    It’s interesting you bring this up. I’m pretty sure people thought the same thing when Blagojevich was running for Governor of Illinois (and he’s miraculously serving a second term), and when Obama was running for US Senate against Jack Ryan and then Alan Keyes when Jack Ryan was driven out of the race, both names of which are much more regular sounding than Barack Obama. Wouldn’t the name recognition help out Hillary if she gets the nomination?


  2. Esteban says:

    Mc Cain doesn’t have a chance even with his generic name. Younger people control the vote now and they won’t elect that crook. He’d have a better chance with a name like “Sean” or even “Tiffany”.


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