Jesus on a Matzo

There’s just something about Easter weekend that makes a heretic think of Jesus. He is, after all, to Easter what latkes and oil are to Chanukah.

JESUS C What if Jesus had been executed by some means other than crucifixion? You know, like lethal injection, hanging, beheading, drawing and quartering, or electrocution? Would the altars of Christian churches have gurneys, gallows, guillotines, or electric chairs? Would Christian people be wearing hypodermic needles, rope, limbs, a lunette, or a metal yarmulke with a dangling electrode around their necks as jewelry? Instead of crossing themselves, would Catholics start drawing a finger across their throats?

Has Pontius Pilate gotten a bum rap?

A couple of hundred years from now, or maybe even a millennium, will there be a cult built around Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? Or John Lennon? Or even Homer Simpson?


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3 comments on “Jesus on a Matzo

  1. John R. Leroy says:

    You got it wrong, It is really a “plus” sign. The execution was the result of being bad at math. Let that be a lesson to everyone. Science and math are important.
    As to Pilate, it should be Pilot. If you presume an all knowing and all powerful God, how can you believe that he did not know that this would happen and plan for it. You can’t have it both ways. Either God is omnipodent and the crucifiction was part of the plan or He was not, in which case the premise underlying most major religions must fail.


  2. ray says:

    Well didn’t you pick the country to think these heretical thoughts..
    The deal with the crucifixion:
    It wasn’t just any ol’way to go. It was a methodical, scientific method the Romans used to turn a man into the gargoyle of the day — a meaningless piece of carrion food.
    We’ll all be there someday. Might as well wear it around our necks. I would too if it wasn’t so itchy.


  3. Kathleen Vanesian says:

    I suspect that if Jesus had been offed in some manner other than crucifixion, churches would be filled with icons reflecting the manner of death. E.g. St. Bernabe holds two stones (actually, they look like bran muffins)on a book, which represents the fact that he was stoned to death; St. Agnes holds breasts on a platter, evidencing the fact that she had bilateral mastectomies without benefit of anaethesia courtesy of her persecutors; St. Lucy wields a pair of eye balls on a platter, testament to the gouging out of her eyeballs. So I have no reason not to believe that had Jesus been electrocuted, he would probably be appearing in church nichos strapped to a chair with lightning bolts coming out of his head.


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